The Zombie Sighting that No One is Talking About

Rants

…But Everybody Saw

 
And maybe that’s because we’ve spent a majority of our lives following her & her friends in a dazed awe because they represented all that was SPICE, while we were still naively humming, “Wannabe.” We wanted the platforms and the accents and the double decker and the ‘lil Gucci dress.

And even if it wasn’t for that pre-pubescent girl crush, we’d watched them over the last 10 years, in a stalkerwill-they-or-won’t-they-get-back-together way. But somewhere amidst babies with Eddie Murphy and forgotten singles, we missed one key thing. One huge thing. Posh Spice “Victoria Beckam” became a zombie. A freaken zombie. Firstly, I blame David; he has the athletic prowess to avoid a zombie attack, plus eating his flesh has to be sacrilegious in like, all cultures; obviously he threw an already malnourished Victoria to the undead. But whatever, I get it.

My Case:

I am aware that Victoria has always been the shy Spice. Sexy, a vixen; she was all of these things, but really she was a little awkward. She was my favorite, and that’s probably because she was a slightly uncomfortable brunette who often looked like a deer in headlights – i.e, me as a 9 year old girl.
Not that she hasn’t accomplished great things: Beckam, a reputation as a fashion great, motherhood and that magnificent jawline! None of this is her fault, she didn’t want to become a zombie and she certainly didn’t want to have to perform at the Olympics (as a Zombie), but that damn sense of loyalty to Britain, she just had too. Hence, she was uncomfortable and awkward, unenthusiastic and skeletal. Although her dress did kick ass and her figure complemented the cold stare that ozzed from her methodical eyes.

Despite, I sang along to every word, wondering what song they’d sing next, how would they get down from those cars, would Posh bite a Spice? These all seemed like reasonable questions. America’s generation X watched in awe, posting photos of their T.V screens and publicly expressing the joy that filled them when they finally saw the tenacious 5 reassemble. I felt it too; it was absolute school girl excitement and a pang of jealousy. So I wondered, how could Posh look that damn uncomfortable and self-conscious? It’s not like she was actually singing.

Image

The only conclusion I’ve found is that she’s a zombie: the cold stare, the skeletal frame, the lack of emotion. Or perhaps, she thinks she’s too good to express the zealous attitude that embodies the Spice Girl’s image? Maybe she’s just uncomfortable singing in front of the World – preposterous; maybe a bit apprehensive that she’s going to tarnish her role as fashion G-d and tatted up mother/wifey.

I don’t know what it was, but I do know that I ruined documentation of my own tween years by not smiling in photographs in an attempt to be more like Posh. I also know that I didn’t make that sacrifice for her to turn out to either be an unconfident proponent of stage fright, or an over confident brat.

Hence, she’s a zombie.

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